Tuesday, May 31, 2011

When "I love you" isn't enough

Last night I got a phone call from Lorne and to say that he was at an emotional low would be an understatement.  His cellmate got all of his things "rolled up" (prison slang for taking an inventory of an inmates possessions before they are moved to another facility) because he was heading off to one of the camps around NV to finish his last three years.  "Everyone is going home...why can't I come home?...this place sucks and I am so tired of being here."  All I could say was "I know baby...I know" The reality is, I don't know.  I know what it is like to be separated from people you love but I can go visit them whenever I want.  I have the freedom to move from place to place if need be.  What do you say to someone who feels such a victim of an exceptionally long sentence with no seeming recourse? where are his paroles? where do you draw the line between "justice" and "revenge"?

It occurred to me that being in a relationship with me has to be emotionally difficult for him.  I am outside with access to all the things that Lorne loves, especially technology.  I am the small bit of "normal" he has access to and that has got to be painful for him.  I remind him of all the things that he is missing out on and a subtle reminder that the world is passing him by, that every day that goes by is another day locked inside a world that he does not want to be a part of any longer.

I told him I loved him but I don't think that was enough.  What do you say when someone tells you "I should have let them beat the hell out of me, if they had, I wouldn't be here"?  Am I supposed to say "yes dear, you should have let those guys beat you"? It feels like no matter what I say in response, it will never be the right thing or the understanding words that he needs to hear to feel better.

All I can think to tell him is "I love you baby" and listen as he responds, "I love you too".  But I know deep in my heart that it's not enough...its just not enough. 

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